"One shot to your heart without breaking your skin..."

"...no one has the power to hurt you like your kin."

My dad comes home next month after spending the last 7 or so years in prison..
..It was his second strike and I don't know if I'm more excited or afraid..
At this point in my life, I'm a little numb to the pain of him not being here... yet, I always find myself wondering about what my life could have been if he never had any problems... Problems with the law. Problems with drugs. Problems with family..

As a kid, I was always kept in the dark about what was really going on with him. No one ever wants to tell the kids.. And every time I was told "Camille, your daddy's in jail again", they never told me why. I guess they where protecting his "fatherly image" and didn't want me to resent him.
Whenever he was out, it was like I saw him whenever it was convenient for him.. Like, he would stop by with one of his friends just to be like "look at my daughter!" and then they would always say "Man, she looks just like you"... and that was it. He would kiss me, say hello to whoever was there, promise me that he would be right back, say that he would take me to Disneyland later or some shit and then be gone.. If my mom was there, she would always have a conversation with him; ones that I never heard because she was probably cussing him out for the drive-by meeting..

I remember when I was like 11 or 12 and I was home alone one weekend and he came by in a car with two dusty looking females. He got out and we talked for a little while.. can't really remember the conversation, but it was pretty quick. Then, he gave me a kiss and said "I'll be back later, I'm bout to go pimp theses hoes.".... like..... wtf?? Seriously? The only way I can see why he thought it was ok to say that to me had to be to assume that he was high.. But I knew he wasn't lying because he said "say hi to my daughter" and they got out quick and said "hi! you are sooo pretty!.... Dre, she looks just like you!".. At the time, I didn't know how to take that. After he left, I was a little hurt... and confused... and then that turned into anger because I knew he wasn't always like that. I remember when we had fun and he took me everywhere with him. I wanted him to be the same person he was when I was little and stop becoming just another man in the streets who didn't have his life together and didn't keep any of his promises.

Every time he was locked up, he would send me countless letters that told me he was sorry and he loved me and how he promised that once he got out, it would be different.. But once he did get out, he didn't follow through.. I never wrote him back and he would always call or send a message through my grandma, asking why. I told him it was because I didn't have any stamps.. So when my mom gave me some stamps, I still didnt write.. Because I really had nothing to say and I guess a part of me felt like I didn't have to.

Sooo he was locked up again and the letters started coming again.. I was about 13. I never told him how I felt about everything until one day when I got so mad and hurt that he was in prison again and decided to write him an angry letter. I basically told him that I was sick of everything.. the drive-by meetings, him being in and out of jail, the fake promises.. everything.. He wrote back and told me that I never had to hide anything from him and that things would be different.. And slowly but surely I started writing him more. He asked what was going on in my life and I told him and kept him updated every once in a while. That was sort of my way of forgiving him even though it didn't happen until I was about 16 or 17.. Then, much to my surprise, he started sending me certificates that he had earned from drug rehab and GED training. He told me about all of these classes he was taking and programs for fathers that he went to..

I finally visited him in 08 with my mom before I left for college. He told me he still looks at the letter I sent him when I was 13 as a reminder of what he needs to do when he gets out and how he needs to stay focused.. I honesty believe that he will make an effort to stick to the plan..

Then I surprised him again when me, my grandma and little cousin visited him a few months ago. This time, of course he was alot happier because he knew he only has a few more months in there. This time around, all we did was reminisce, laugh and talk about the future..

It took me a long time to forgive him. I had to learn that in order for me to move on, I had to forgive.. He was 5 years sober and told me that he hadn't even smoked a cigarette in a year either..

I'm really looking forward to him getting out soon.. I cant lie and say that I'm not worried about him and how he'll act once he's out, because I am.. But I cant let that stop me from getting to know him and him getting another chance at being a father.